My Zune is evil.

Even though this year will mark the 5th Christmas without my mom, I still miss her as much, if not more, than I did the first year.  It's created an extra emotional burden in addition to the normal, pre-2004 ups and downs, joys and stresses of the holiday season.  I know I'm not unique in missing a parent, but for some reason it really isn't any easier for me.  Time is not healing this wound so much.  In addition, yesterday was the memorial service for a friend's husband, who finally succumbed to Alzheimer's last week.  A very important woman in my life is battling ovarian cancer (and winning, thank God, but it is still difficult -- can you guess who her ghostwriter is? ha ha).  And Christmas is my mostest favoritest holiday ever, but the recession means all everyone seems to talk about is money, which is depressing for two reasons.  First off, because Christmas, or any holidays this month, are not about money, but about friends and family.  Second off, because it sucks having less money available to celebrate Christmas.

Anyway, like I said, emotional. Me. Very much so.  (And no, I'm not pregnant)

However, with all these other emotional things competing with my tears, I take extreme exception to my Zune for it is conspiring to make me cry at work.

Since my mother has been on my mind so much, I have been dreaming of her, alive.  My imagination has created her as an independent woman, as if my parents divorced, and she comes in and out of scenes, especially when I need her most.  It's actually quite soothing, if a little disconcerting to me at first (we usually have some sort of conversation about her cancer and death before I accept that she's "there"), and I kind of look forward to my dreams now.  It's the only place I get to spend time with her.

My Zune though... argh.

There are songs that make me cry at the drop of a hat.  Ok, don't ask me why I even have them on my Zune, because I can only tell you that, while listening to them makes me cry, not having them available makes me sad.

One of these songs is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.  That was "our" movie, my mom's and mine.  (Note to anyone who needs a great gift for me, pick something from Wizard of Oz, especially with the Cowardly Lion and/or Dorothy) Thus, the theme song is an overwhelming reminder of her.

This Woman's Work - Kate Bush (from She's Having a Baby)

Another is "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton.  Then, the upbeat "All I Have to Do is Dream" by The Everly Brothers, in light of my recent dreams, again reminds me of her.  And the worse, most emotionally-wrenching, hardest-to-listen-to song of them all is "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.  You might remember this if you've watched She's Having a Baby.  It's a song about fear, hope, and regrets.  Kevin Bacon's character goes through all the great memories with his wife in the scene: I do the same with my memories of my mom.

So, of course... I decide to drown out the sounds of my co-workers and set my Zune to random.  Out of the over 500 songs available, the first song is "This Woman's Work".  I can't take it, so I skip to the next song: "All I Have to Do is Dream".  Argh... fine.  Skip - Cake's "Never There" is upbeat enough, but dammit, is this a theme?  Cyndi Lauper's voice sings the first verse of "Time After Time" ... Lying in my bed I hear the clock ticking, think of you... Skip.  "Surfer Girl" by the Beach Boys, yet another song that reminds me of my mom.  Coldplay, "42"... Those who are dead are not dead they're just living in my head...

So the Zune is turned off and I'm listening to the clackity-clack of keyboards and the low rumble of co-workers discussing business, the weekend, and everything in between.

Sigh.